Dear Friend,

I'm going to be completely open with You here.  Yesterday I was having a really bad day.  I ended up fighting/picking on my brother and it got so bad that mom threatened to call the police.  I was depressed.

I went to my room to cool down, and just sort of drifted towards my Drawer.  I hadn't looked in it for years.  Now, maybe you don't know about this drawer.  It carries as many of the memories, items and letters that have had an impact on me as I can fit into it.  My most painful moments are chronicled there, as are most of the joys and high points in my life.

I started sifting through it, more to take my mind off of life than anything else, and here is the first thing I stumbled across:  A stack of all of the e-sheets from all of the youth group retreats I've ever been on.  I went through each and every one, and read them all.  Then I found the notes from Monatana.  Then all the stuff from SEMP.  I dug deeper, and I found notes from people and friends that I had forgotten I ever had.  I found a picture of Ian when he was younger.  I found a couple from a time when Ben and I were at Optimist park and a mouse scampered onto his lap.

I kept burrowing down.  Now I found the brace from when I broke my arm in fifth grade.  And here was a Barbie Doll that was a gag joke from a former friend.  Nathan Nelson's picture and obituary.  A playful letter from one of my friends that worked at Cooperstown.

Bittersweet.

And as I went through and processed all the birthday notes, and letters, and encouragement sheets, and all of the reminders and memories of where I've been, I realized a major flaw in my personality.  I am very selfish.

I had only replied to a handful of the encouraging notes.  I hadn't really sent out thank you notes for birthday cards and gifts.  And I can't say that I've ever returned a letter.

I don't let people know just how much I appreciate them, and how much they've meant to me over the years.  And it's really sad that it took me this long to figure it all out.

So after 45 minutes of sitting in my room and reflecting on my past, my whole mood turned around from depressed and confrontational to one of pensive thankfulness.  It was a really cool thing to me.

Just thought I'd share that with You, and I would really like to encourage you to go dig up those skeletons from your past and face them.  Dig out old letter or memories that made you smile once, and smile again.  It really is quite satisfying, and most definitely healing.

Your Friend,
-Matt-

Dear Reader.  This entry is filled with a lot of things about myself and my life.  If you have any interest at all in either one, I would strongly encourage you to read it in it's entirety.

I was reading one of those surveys today, and it got me thinking.  You know what survey I’m talking about, the ones people chain mail to each other and bloggers spend hours filling out.  It really got me thinking a lot.  I started thinking about what I believe, and why I believe it.   I thought about friends and past friendships.  I thought about myself in general.  What am I like?  If I could use as many words to describe myself to someone as I wanted to, how would I do it?

Now, before I really get into the meat of what I'm trying to say, I want you the reader to know that I had a perfectly normal day today.  I am not upset at anyone.  I haven't had any life-changing events occur recently.  At this moment, I am on an even keel, and everything I write hear is my honest-to-God opinion, and even if it may vary for a day or two at a time (Like if I have a fight with someone, or have doubts about my religion), I will always come back to believing these things.

First and Foremost:

-There is One God, and there is one Savior, His son.  His name is Jesus.  He died thousands of years ago, rose from the dead, and sits on the throne in heaven today.  These things I have never doubted.

-God created the world.  It took him six literal days to do it.

-God cannot abide sin.

-Sin is defined as anything that God has forbidden in the his holy word, the Bible.  Examples are lust anger homosexuality, murder, pride, lying, cheating, stealing, and denying Christ as Lord.

-The Bible is God's only and perfect word.  There is no other book, opinion, or thought that cannot be challenged.

-God freely forgives those who want to be fogiven.

-There is only one way to heaven, and that is through belief, faith, and trust in Jesus Christ.

-These are the bare Basics of my beliefs.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Personality Traits and the Like:

I can be several people.  Only one of those people is me.  I will describe him first, and the fascades second.

The Real Deal:  I am a sarcastic, pessimistic realist.  I have a tendency to look at both sides of an issue, align myself with one and utterly shun the other.  I hate fencewalkers, wishy-washy people, and compromisers.  That said, I inevitably compromise my beliefs on a daily basis (lying, lusting, hating, ect), and it grates on me.  I am a perfectionist.  For those of you who know me, that's probably a huge suprise, since I have neither a clean bedroom nor a high GPA.  My response to that is this:  I only sleep in my room.  At all other times of the day I avoid it.  As for GPA, I got upset whenever I got any grades lower than an "A" so I just gave up.  It's not worth it to me to even try.  Which brings me to my next character flaw: laziness.  I tend to put things off as long as possible, and will avoid most unnecissary work.  I can also be a huge pervert.  It's a flaw I'm attempting to remove.  I am a thinker.  Daydreaming is my hobby.  I like to reflect on the past, and yearn for the future.  I guess you could say that I am never content to just live in the present.  I am a writer.  It is how I heal.  Writing organizes my scattered thoughts, and stabalizes my volatile temper.  I am an angery person.  I hated every moment of my life during elementary and middle school.  I do hold grudges, and strong ones at that.  I enjoy deception, trickery, and scamming people.  I can be very generous, if the cause is right, or the person has been kind to me in the past.  And here's the flip side of my grudge carrying:  I will never forget someone who has helped me out.  In some way or another, even if it's years later, I always find a way to help them in return.  I choose to make only a handful of friends and keep them close.  I cannot stand fakers and high school drama.  I've tried that in the past, and it always brings heartache.

There's a lot more too, I guess I'll just throw it in along the way as I think about it some more.

That paragraph was way to long, so here's a recap for those of you who skipped it.

I am:

-sarcastic

-pessimist

-realist

-perfectionist

-lazy

-pervert

-thinker

-writer

-tempermental/angery

-hold grudges

-enjoy deception

-generous

-selective about friendships

-hate drama

The Faker:

I'm really not a depressed person, per se.  I just get upset quite often and one of the ways it advents intself is through depression.  I can seem quiet and introverted some of the times, or, depending on how well you know me, all of the time.  That's not me.

The perfect girl:

I'm going to admit right now that I can be, and have been pretty shallow for a lot of my life.  Looks matter to me, in one way or another.  I've tended to like brunette girls a lot in the past, although hair color really is becoming a lot less of an issue to me.

What I really want in a girl is someone I can trust.  Someone with a solid head on her shoulders.  Someone who is quieter, someone who is content to stay out of the limelight and be unobtrusive.  At the same time, however, I want a person who can stand up for herself, when necissary.  Someone whose faith matches what she says.  She must share all of my aforementioned beliefs.  I would rather not have someone who is funny.  Everyone always says they want someone with a good sense of humor... I hate that!  I think that's bullcrap.  The funny people in life are always the people who will end up annoying you the most.  No one can be funny all the time.  I want to marry a patient person.  I want a person who will do their utmost to get to know that real me, and not focus on the little things I do that irritate them (and I'm sure there will be many).  I want the girl I marry to be my best friend.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

People I've wronged that I regret wronging:

Ian Schuler

Sunny Fischer

Naomi Jackson

Nathan Nelson

My Parents

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I guess just in general, I enjoy a nice warm rain.  That is when I feel closest to God, especially if I'm in the country, at camp, or even on the outskirts of town.  If I'm upset, it feels like God is crying with me, and I'm reminded that he's always by my side.  If I'm happy, or having a good day, it just feels cleansing and good.  Nowhere else in the world do I see God's nature more clearly than through a gentle rain, or a thunderstorm.

I have many movies that I enjoy.  My favorite animated film would have to be Titan AE.  My favorite serious film kind of a toss up, but my top five, in no particular order are: Lady Hawke, Phantom of the Opera, Princess Bride, Pride and Predjudice, and Braveheart.

The most well written book I've ever read is Wuthering Heights.  The author that has most impacted my life is Frank Peretti, closely followed by CS Lewis.  My favorite mystery/plot twist book was probably Thr3e by Ted Dekker, and my favorite book of all times is The Oath by Frank Peretti.  My favorite children's seriers is "The Archives of Anthropos" by John White, and my favorite sci-fi series is the "Death Gate Cycle" by Margaret Weis and Tracy Hickman.

The only book written in old english that I have ever enjoyed is the Scarlet Letter by Nathaniel Hawthorne.

Other books that I've really enjoyed and strongly recomend are:

Dune - Frank Herbert

The Visitation - Frank Peretti

The Prophet - Frank Peretti

This Present Darkness - Frank Peretti

Piercing the Darkness - Frank Peretti

Ishbane Conspiracy - Randy Alcorn

Lord Foulgrin's Letters - Randy Alcorn

Mere Christianity - CS Lewis

The Chronicles of Narnia (series) - CS Lewis

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The worst day of my life is the day I heard Nathan had killed himself.  The best time of my life was that first year I worked at CEF with the Schindlers and Naomi Cox.  They had a huge affect on my life, and I had a blast being there with them.

My least favorite day of the week is, unfortunately, Sunday.  Church is too early in the morning for a weekend, and you're plagued with the knowledge that school starts again the next day.

The nicest person I have ever known is Jessica Bervik.

My biggest male role models have been my father, Joe Hogberg, my cousin John and Lauren Bervik.

I have the most good memories with Ian Schuler and Ben Jackson.

I've had the best sleepovers with Logan Paschke.

I've had the deepest talks with Andrew Rilometo.

Naomi Jackson has given me the most heartache.

Nathan Nelson was my greatest enemy.

Sam Hellekson and Travis Johnsen most hurt my pride.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I can count the number of times I've cried on my fingers.

I'm generally apathetic.

I don't drink to get drunk.

I've never smoked.

I've never had any form of sex.

I've never dated.

I've never kissed.

...Aaaaand I'm out of time.  I have lots more.  I'll get to it later.  Bye!

Currently Listening The Ransom By Cartel The Ransom see related

Have you ever just woken up one day, and missed someone?  It isn't always even someone you like... in fact, you could hate them; but for some inexplicable reason you just wake up one day expecting to see them, and when you don't, the whole day is a daze.  You snap at people for no apparent reason, unusually irritable, and lost in your own world; distracted.

Can you guess?  I bet you did.  I just had one of those days.

...Aren't they just the worst?
-Matt-

Currently Listening Never Take Friendship Personal By Anberlin Paperthin Hymn see related

Well, xanga's been dead for a while, but I thought I'd update at least one more time, just for old times sake.  I'm gonna open up in typical whiny "my life sucks" xanga fashion, so here goes:

So far, 2007 has been a royally dreadful year.  Awful even.  I won't go into too much detail, but honestly, my family and I never get along, church always bites, there's only two friends I have that I even feel like I connect with anymore (and it's weird, cuz they aren't who I thought they would be.)  I'm sick of worrying about school, fed up with my parents, tired of having to ask permission to go everywhere.  Typical teenager wanting unhealthy amounts of freedom, I know.  But it's not just that I want to choose what I do...  I want to get away completely.  Sever ties and start over somewhere new.

Maybe I'm just restless.  Or maybe it's bitterness.  I don't know.  It just seems that every day I stay here I get worse and worse... I don't enjoy hardly anything anymore.  I spend time with people, not because I enjoy it or get anything meaningful out of it, but because I feel even worse if I sit at home alone.  I feel sick all of the time, I can't sleep and when I do it's fitful at best.

I know I've said it before, but it just seems like nothing matters, that nothing counts.  Who is God anyway?  Do I really know him?  I've done the whole "christian thing" for a long time, and never have I felt comforted by him... it's not so much a doubting (in his existance) that I have, as much as a doubting that he cares.  I mean, I'm pretty sure God exists, and that he made the world, but the only reason I believe it is just because it makes more sense than any of the alternatives.

Anyway, back to life... I'm getting my wisdom teeth pulled on Friday and I guess they're knocking me out for that, so I'm gonna be out of it for all of Friday, and a good portion of Saturday.  That's pretty much the only major excitement coming up for a while, and it isn't even positive.

Transitioning to positive thoughts:

I saw Andrew and Brady yesterday.  New Years Eve was pretty cool I s'pose, although I felt pretty bad cuz someone who helped me out once was in pretty bad shape (had a breakup over the holidays) and I really didn't have any idea what to do about it.  Hung out with Paul and Ian quite a bit over the break.  Ian and I had some fun modding video games and returning to our early years of friendship by building stuff out of legos at 2am.  That was pretty much the best time I had during the entire break.

That's pretty much all I've got, the good and the bad.  Oh yeah, and to top everything all off, I can't find my good CDs anywhere, and my computer that has all of my music saved to it died so I can't get at it.  This means I get to cram for finals at the library for the next few days, I guess... not my favorite thing in the world.

-Matt-

Unusually rough day today... tomorrow promises to be immensely better.

-Matt-